Owning a Rolls-Royce is not as luxurious as it sounds

Owning a Rolls-Royce is not as luxurious as it sounds

A luxury ride through time

Now I read repetitive stories about Rolls-Royce being “full”.

Okay, but back when the family silverware mostly came from Automat, I actually reported my excitement on the first day of owning a Rolls-Royce. By day 10—in the Coney Island Times, which was all I could write at the time—I reported the full experience.

The car my husband bought? He quickly lay dead. A wheezing breath, a cough – and straight into Rolls-Royce paradise. The second biggest day? He stopped on a six-lane highway and Fords, Chevrolets and Volkswagens zoomed by shouting “Get a horse.”

Our salesman, so British that King Charles sounds southern next to him, said, “Just a minor adjustment, Moddom.” A month of minor adjustment later, my husband climbed back on. Ignition off, no one around and the rear windows moved by themselves. Both directional signals worked simultaneously. And the light from the makeup mirror on the back right illuminated the mahogany desk on the left.

Also, the air conditioner in January exploded from the heating unit. “Minor adjustment, Moddom,” gushed the salesman, whose headquarters probably still has my Coney Island Times review tucked away in a vault somewhere.

The car had 99 problems, I was not one

On an immediate country road, late at night, with no other car around, this Silver Shadow triumph got 5 miles to the gallon. In urban traffic that fell a little. “You don’t buy a Rolls for economy,” hums the salesman looking at us as if to say, “If the pound hadn’t gone down, we wouldn’t be doing business with people like you.”

At high noon on 57th and Madison, this white dream car – license plate JA4 – had a crowd around. Photographs were taken of him. The hood was up. Smoke was coming out of the engine. I got on the first thing that moved – an uphill bus – and where I was going was downtown.

The Triumph Rolls Royce Silver Shadow got 5 miles to the gallon.
Getty Images/Corbis

Next, a problem with the brake linings and a reheat situation. Also, the radio stopped working, the rear license plate holder fell off, the trunk jammed – and the car stopped dead. IN TRAFFIC. But so chic that even when it couldn’t move, we owners proudly climbed up leaning on it to hail a cab.

They say the only thing that makes noise in a Rolls is the clock. Yes. Unless you consider the owner crying.

We didn’t realize that ours might have been one of the older Silver Shadow models and may even have been a used shop model. All that. To tell you the truth, the thrill of owning even an asthmatic Rolls dies hard.

Judy’s laughs

A RELAY of Judge Judy’s scathing British media blast in case you missed it:

“Prince Harry writes William ‘backed off’ from Meghan’s first hug. Biting the hand that fed him, he is a selfish, spoiled, ungrateful and dishonest nephew. I would be angry and hurt if my child or grandchild did the same to me.”

Prince Harry, Meghan Markle
Prince Harry’s latest book is causing more drama for the royal family.
Getty Images/Kirsty O’Connor

Me-Me-Meghan, divorced, left her father, punished her ex-best friend, fought with everyone else, only sought to make money and become famous, and in the end she will spend fluids corporeal on Prince Empty, as is his entire birthplace.

His name is everywhere but on toilet paper. So . . . let . . . just . . . wait.

Meghan’s piggy bank will soon learn that money can’t buy happiness. What it brings you is a richer class of estranged relatives.

Only in the UK, kids, only in the UK.

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